At a recent NYC gifted and talented symposium I had the pleasure of listening to Carol Dweck, a psychology professor who studies success. A short, energetic woman in her 50’s, the kind of professor that radiates that rare combination of both brilliance and great speaking skills Professor Dweck had an auditorium full of parents, educators and leaders grasping on her every word.

Her topic was one many of us spend time considering, and few have a solid notion of how to achieve. How do you raise successful, resilient kids? There are many theories on this topic of course. Some believe the best way to raise a child is by controlling their environment and allowing their child to flourish much like a flower in a hot house (this may be known as helicopter parenting in certain brooklyn brownstone circles). Some believe the best way would be by allowing your child to have total and complete freedom, to allow them to chose their path whatever that may be (free range kids). Some believe the best way to succeed is to push their children towards a brighter future, whether or not the child has any interest in that future (tiger mom anyone?). And certainly every family comes up with their own formula for success. Some formulas are less successful than others. Most use a combination of these methods and a million other parenting techniques.

But the good doctor had conducted some real serious research and found that many have one thing in common. A family that tends to produce successful, resilient children is a family that tends to praise the PROCESS and not the RESULT.

Do you remember the high self esteem movement in the 90’s? I guess its not quite over yet. The theory goes like this: “you take a child. you praise them (not just the things they do, but the actual child). You say things like: “Wow, thats brilliant! Great job! You are SOOOO smart!” The emphasis is on teaching the child they are naturally smart, brilliant and beautiful and no matter what they can succeed and do anything at all. Theory goes that a child who believes he or she can do anything due to their natural brilliance is actually able to do anything. Sounds great doesn’t it? It did. Before we did research. What we found out is that actually all high self esteem leads to is well… low self esteem, and low ability to accomplish complex tasks.

How’s so? It turns out a child who believes they are naturally smart also believes everything should come naturally easy to them. They work to reinforce this idea “I am smart.” If something doesn’t come easy to them, this means they are not smart. Which means they are unlikely to take on challenges or attempt to do things that are hard… because that would disprove their natural brilliance. Its a self perpetuating cycle. I am smart so I must be able to do math easily. I can’t do math easily. I am either not smart or math is stupid. Whichever option the child chooses they lose. So whats the solution? Its certainly not to walk around telling children they are stupid (we are not arguing for 1800’s child rearing here). The solution is to tell to catch and encourage perseverance and “sticktoitness” For instance: A child that works at a problem for a while but still doesn’t get it is a child that should be praised for their hard work, and when they do get it eventually (even with help) praised for “sticking it out until you got it.” (you are praising the process and not the result). And you are not saying they “got it because you are smart.” Thats something you really can’t control (the results are often out of your conrol). You are saying “you got it because you worked hard.” This is something you CAN control. Anybody can word hard. That is a method that builds true confidence. Next time a child comes across a problem they are struggling with they are likely to persevere and therefore to eventually succeed.

The truth is the people who succeed are not always the smart ones. Its the ones who have that deadly combination of smarts and work ethic. We all know that brilliant high iq person who is forever stuck in lower middle management, and that not so brilliant person who is a high powered player. Maybe the difference between them is more than a few IQ points. Maybe one gave up. And the other didn’t. S

So how is success connected to those bracelets all our kids are currently obsessing with? I have a 7 year old who has spent the last 2 hours replaying the same youtube video and struggling to replicate the instructions to construct a “special” loop bracelet. I let my kid watch youtube on the ipad for 2 hours and I don’t feel the slightest twinge of guilt. In fact I feel an inordinate amount of pride. I wonder what professor Dweck would say.

Viktoria Altman,

Mother of two boys

President of Brainy Academy